42,700 Calories?!

"Can I substitute that lettuce with a sausage patty?"

Seven days and 1818 miles later, my family has finally returned from its magical mystery tour of Texas.  Actually, while my brother-in-law’s wedding was quite magical, there were few mysteries to be found, especially the one that I uncovered when I stepped onto the scales this evening.

Yes, in a moment that could make What I Weigh Today blogger Joy Manning swoon, I weighed in at 185.3 pounds, 12.2 pounds heavier than I was exactly one week ago.  Because I’m a math geek, let’s review the facts:

• I gained an average of 1.74 pounds per day.
• At 3500 Calories per pound, that’s an extra 6100 Calories every day.
• That’s on top of my normal 2500 or so daily Calories.
• That means I was eating roughly 8600 Calories every day, munching away as if I was trying to win another swimming competition to mollify a mishap with a marijuana pipe three months ago.

How, you may ask, does someone manage to consume an extra 42,700 Calories in one week?  Well, you could hang out with Sydne George and polish off every item she photographs.  Or you could follow my fool-proof twelve step plan:

1. Replace or enhance your typical morning cereal and skim milk with bacon, sausage, eggs, hash browns, tater tots, french toast, waffles, biscuits, gravy, AND sweetened yogurt.  Rub your belly, cursing the all-you-can-eat hot continental breakfast buffet at the hotel.
2. Repeat #1 every day.
3. Increase your McDonald’s consumption by 300%.
4. Yes, you’d like the large fries.
5. Drink soda or beer or booze with every meal.
6. If none of the options in #5 are available, go with “sweet tea” or copious volumes of apple and orange juice.
7. Add whole milk or cream to your coffee, even though you prefer it black.
8. Accept all small plastic packages of peanut butter crackers, cheddar goldfish snacks, chocolate chip bunnies, and any other zoo-like animals in sweet and/or crunchy form that are offered to you.
9. When your mother-in-law says, “Would you like a chocolate cupcake, ice cream, or strawberries with Cool Whip for dessert?” just say yes—that gets you all of the above.
10. Pretend you’re busy with your daughter when eating out “family-style.”  All of the platters will end up in front of you.
11. Once at the wedding, fill up on fruit and cheese and crudites—at least 16 ounces of cubed cheese—before you help yourself to 16 ounces of prime rib, creamed spinach, olive-oil roasted potatoes, buttered rolls, and chocolate deer.
12. Sit in a car for at least seven hours during four of the seven days, moving only to reach for Cheddar Pringles.

Good luck!