"Doesn't it look huge in my tiny, tiny hands?!"
Steve Jobs stepped onto the stage this morning carrying what tech pundits hoped would be the fabled Apple tablet computer. The audience, however, which seemed to be oohing in awe of the new product, were in fact gasping at the fact that Steve Jobs was no more than three feet tall.
“Isn’t that an iPhone, Mr. Jobs?” shouted someone from the audience.
“Why, no, it’s the new iPad, a new, magical device!” said Jobs, seating himself in a tiny children’s lounge chair. “It’s an entire web page in the palm of your hands!”
The new iPod touch, called the “iPad,” lacked many features that made its older brother the iPhone great—camera, video recording—as well as lacked many features glaringly absent from current iPhones, such as Flash video playing capabilities, OLED screen, expandable memory, removable battery, fingerprint scanning, multitasking, and connectivity to networks other than AT&T.
In fact, the only thing more diminutive than Mr. Jobs was the contribution to the market made by this new device.
“It’s revolutionary, the first of its kind! It’s nothing like the hundreds of tablet computers that Microsoft has been offering you for the last decade! You will buy it and love it more than your families! Now join me, as I do the iPad dance!” cried Jobs, as he danced around the stage in a green hat, tossing gold coins at the audience and chasing a spectrum spotlight that looked like a rainbow.
Following the press conference, which left most of its attendees feeling disappointed at best and deceived at worst, a spokesperson for Apple released a press release explaining the situation:
“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the confusion. A larger tablet computer, ridiculously named the iPad, will indeed be released to the public in April of 2010. Mr. Jobs was using a special miniaturized prototype version made exclusively for him. It is a perfect scale model of the larger product you will mindlessly buy in a couple of months.
“As for Steve’s smaller stature, which I’m sure many of you are questioning, that is the result of a recent upgrade to his hardware, resulting in the physical form you saw today. He wanted me to thank everyone for attending today and asked me to announce his new name—Steve Jobs Nano.”
