A Day in the Life of…

1:14 a.m. – Screen begins to blur. You clock out of current web development project, go to sleep.

5:26 a.m. – Pecos the Cat begins meowing incessantly for food and scratching at bedroom door. Feed the cat, back to sleep.

5:30 a.m. – Wife’s alarm goes off. Wife is in Kansas. Turn off alarm, back to sleep.

6:33 a.m. – Pecos the Cat, now in bed, bounces around enough that to trigger Smart Alarm Clock. Turn off alarm, back to sleep.

6:47 a.m. – Sun rises.

6:48 a.m. – Light-sensitive deaf daughter wakes up, climbs in bed and demands that you help her pick out a “wonderful, beautiful” dress.

6:49 a.m. to 10:01 a.m. – Youngest daughter wakes up, normal morning routine stuff.

10:02 a.m. – After several attempts to convince them otherwise, daughters choose seeing Santa Claus at the Aurora Mall over going to the Denver Zoo, which is free today and where you really want to go.

10:33 a.m. – Arrive at Aurora Mall. Let keys fall out of jacket pocket while unbuckling daughters, lock keys in car.

10:49 a.m. – Sit through community theater musical that’s stalling the audience while we wait for Santa Claus to arrive. The play includes a character who is supposed to be Santa Claus, but looks like a emaciated, dark-haired homeless man in a bathrobe. Somehow space Nazis are involved in the plot of the musical.

11:03 a.m. – Santa arrives, looking just as homeless but better dressed. After some awkward group singing, daughters are nonplussed and ask if you can take them to the zoo.

12:11 p.m. – Find an Aurora police officer, ask if he has a slim jim (that’s a skinny piece of metal for breaking into cars, not a spicy meat stick). He walks out to your car and begins helping you crack open the door.

12:18 p.m. – Slim jim gets stuck in the car door. Officer leaves for a few minutes to get another slim jim. Continue trying to break into car.

12:27 p.m. – Someone sees you trying to break into my own car, reports me to mall security. Guards are jogging with their hands on their weapons as they arrive.

12:28 p.m. to 12:49 p.m. – Four grown men, three in uniforms with pistols, take turns making masturbatory motions against car doors while two toddler girls watch.

12:50 p.m. – Passenger door finally unlocks. Spend another twenty minutes unsticking original slim jim from driver door.

1:13 p.m. – Arrive home, rush to get food into the cranky, hungry bellies of two daughters.

1:15 p.m. – Toss leftovers, still in paper wrapper, into microwave.

1:15 p.m. – Discover that the paper wrapper has some sort of metal in the ink when the inside of the microwave sparks and bursts into flames. Open doors and windows to let out smoke.

1:23 p.m. – Pecos the Cat jumps the fence.

1:49 p.m. – Girls finally go upstairs for their afternoon nap. Write task list for the following week, do a little grad school work and some graphic design, write a blog post. Try to avoid really clean glass doors and windows when walking.

1:50 p.m. and beyond – Repeat something similar every day until daughters leave for college.

5 responses to “A Day in the Life of…”

  1. Alexandra

    Thanks for sharing this day, Ron. Gave me a nice chuckle.

  2. Jennifer Hull

    This is the funniest thing I have read in a while. I was laughing out loud.

    The car problem reminds me of the time I was visiting my husband (then boyfriend) in MIami to check him out a little more before deciding whether we should move in together.

    He’d had a little accident so he had to go to traffic school while I was there. Then he called from traffic school to say he’d be late because he’d locked his keys in the car.

    More than a decade later, we’re still together (but I’m the main driver in the family.)

  3. Jennifer Fink

    1) I can relate
    2) I locked my keys in my car yesterday too — while it was running. And the spare key was in my purse — in the van.